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Ok, so everything is ruined. I'm so depressed at the moment. I havn't felt this bad since I tried to top myself last year. And I know that when I feel this bad it takes time, lots of time, before I feel anything near happy again. I'm back around my highest ever weight and I feel so disgusting. I look horrible in anything so, if I ever do mange to go out anywhere, I look so hideous it's not worth it. My older sister's boyf had just gone to prison and they've just had a baby. MyMum's a total bitch and has disowned us all for her new boyf. So me and my twin have been living with our sister to help out. I want to help her out and would feel bad not doing , but I just feel like shit. And I have to eat meals with them both (my sisters) so I've ballooned. Seriously I'm a cow. On top of that they keep making plans and going out with out even inviting me or asking what I'm up to. This is the third day in a row I've been left sitting at home alone. I'm so bloody lonely. I've pushed the only realy friends I had away, and all the others are just people to go to gigs or parties with so if I want to go out I don't have to go alone. I have nobody to talk to. Literally all I do everyday and night is smoke my face in until all I can see is my bong, and that's the only way I feel sort of OK, because then, when that's all I can think about, nothing else matters. I don't have any idea how to sort all the other crap out in my life, but I need to lose, and quickly. Starting today, I'm restricting to 600 cals a day. Wish me luck.
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So that optimism didn't last long. I'm feeling pretty shit at the moment. I've binged for three days and am sure I have put loads on. I'm too scared to weigh myself so I'm going to leave it like a week. I really need to retake control. I bought a new skirt. It's lush, but about 2 sizes to small although I can do it up, it's so tight over my huge arse. Everytime I want to eat I'm going to put it on and look how horrible it looks on atm. This is going to be hard, my Mum's been shopping and there'e loads of my favourite foods. I'm going to need so much control.
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So, I've been back on track for a few days now, but I need to step up the exercise as my weight loss has reached a plateu. I'm feeling more positive than I have done in ages though! I think my depression is getting better. Since I had to leave college I'd completely forgotten I had ambition and drive and I've just spent the last year smoking dope, and blowing £4000 (well that only took 3 weeks actually :)), and being homeless, not seeing any future for myself at all other than scraping to get by. Needing to rely on others because I couldn't look after myself, but nobody wanting to look after me. I even took 100 beta blockers, I nearly died. And now my depression is ebbing away for the first time in what seems like forever I can't quite believe I very nearly killed myself. I would be dead if my neighbour hadn't seen me. Yesterday I started thinking about going back to college in September and now I can't wait. It will be a bit gay because everyone will be younger than me, but oh well; I'm not going to socialise. I'm so excited, I completely forgot about going to uni, it didn't even enter my mind for months, but I was looking at all the course details and I'm so pleased, and determined never to lose sight of what I want from life again. I want to be successful and thin and then I'll be happy. I also want to say how much I love all you girls, you're all so supportive and friendly and helpful, and it's helped me so much having an outlet for all my thoughts and feelings I can't share with people here. I might never meet any of you guys, but you're all real friends, more so than the ones who are here in the flesh, who have no idea, all fake smiles and "how're you?" They were not there when I needed, you guys always are! :-) XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX xxxxxxxxxxxxx
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OK, so my sister knows about my ED now, and I just don't know what to do. I have an identical twin and on Wednesday me and here ate loads of MDMA together, and while we were high she told me she'd found my journal and asked me about it. I managed to takl it down quite alot, but I know she's really worried, since I have enough problems without adding ana to the list. Now I feel pressured to eat in front of her to reassure her I'm OK. She has schizophrenia, and I really don't want to do anything to make her ill again. We spend so much time together, pretty much all our waking hours and it was hard enough to hide before she was on the look out. I just don't know what to do. I can either feel like shit because I've made her worry, or feel like shit because I'm a fat bitch. I can live with myself being fat, but I can't live with myself for jepodising her recovery either. Any advice really apprieciated! xxx
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Ok, so I majorly
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I feel so shit. I was meant to be fasting but some of my friends came over and had booze- I ended up drinking loads of
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crappy
stressed
thankful
full
determined
angry